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I want to share my story with you
by Stephanie Tucker
I remember the first codependency meeting I attended. It was sheer pain that brought me there. As I walked into that door and looked around the room, I thought "I don't want to be like them." There had to be a way out. If I could just leave the bad relationship, then I wouldn't have deal with the inner pain and emptiness of feeling out of control and unlovable. I left that meeting over twenty years ago listening to words that I couldn't understand. The level of brokenness and pain that drove me there would escalate into many more years of unanswered questions and unfixed problems. Like being stuck in a pit and clawing my way to the top through my own self-sufficiency, I would make it only so far, then drop back down. Each fall would bring deeper levels of despair.
When I look back, the broken pain I felt was far harder to face and understand because it revolved around the things in me I couldn't see or comprehend. Was I crazy? Was I hopeless? Was there just something about me that was fundamentally wrong, and no one or nothing could change it?
My sense of spirituality was desperately faulty. Even though I grew up in the church, I honestly didn't know God as personal or engaged with me. Instead He had been a "stage show" of some sort in my own mind that I had limited within the walls of the church. None of what I learned seemed real. It was after one particular "fall" that I began to search God out. I wanted to know if it was possible to know Him personally. I wanted to know if His promises were real. After realizing that I hadn't ever instigated a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I threw myself back into Christianity and church, and became fully dedicated to living a life dedicated onto the Lord. I worked so hard in service and devotion to Him, that I was totally devastated to discover that so much of the inward issues that plagued me were not leaving. The perplexing reality of what I call codependence today was that I brought this toxic form of relationship styles right with me into Christianity. Despite the amazing grace I had experienced, there were huge areas of my heart that remained in need of transformation.
In God's divine timing, I received the gift of a lifetime - a full encounter with my Lord and God. I can't tell you how I arrived there exactly, but in sheer brokenness I cried and cried out to God to reveal Himself and to not allow me to limit Him anymore. Instead of argue and fight against Him, focuding on what I saw in and around me, I began to call out God on the basis of what HE declared Himself to be. Through that transaction, and many more to come, I was not only able to come into the presence of God, but I was able to let my Jesus (through the work of the Holy Spirit) access the root levels of my damage and pain.
In truth, what I really needed was my mind to be renewed. I needed the toxic lies about God, myself and others replaced with the truth of who God declared Himself to be, and the purposes for which I was created to live. This wasn't an emotional experience that only lasted a few days. I experienced a gradual and supernatural overtaking of the Spirit of God into all cavities and avenues of my mind, my heart and my soul. And through the process of accessing the lies and replacing them with truth, I was set free.
Despite any professional experience I may have gained, I will never give anything or anyone else credit other than the power of transformational grace found through Jesus Christ. I know today, that no matter what breaches and diffculties may surround me, my God is enough for me.
My only job in offfering resources is to give people tools that can lead them on their own journey through the heart of God, where they can see themselves accurately through His perspective. If you do not yet know Jesus, I urge you to take some time to learn about Him and invite Him into the process of healing. He is the Giver of truth, thus without Him, there is no abiltiy to be brought into freedom. If you do know Jesus but can't seem to find the deep level of freedom, peace and wholeness you desire, then I encourage you to go on the truth-finding journey. I know it takes courage - but the results will be worth it.
There are many wonderful resources of codependency written. Seek out any and all options that you see fit. But the best resource I can offer you is the same gift I received, and one I've been blessed and honored to witness in the lives of hundreds of others. This gift is packaged in a journey of truth-finding that is based on who God is, what He says He can do, and who we are in Him.
"so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God" - 1 Corinthians 2:5
It is my wonderful delight to have you join alongside this journey! If I can encourage you, please feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org