Understanding Codependence: Codependency Recovery. Codependence Treatment Options, Codependence Workshop Program

Gender references are only for purposes of examples.

What does it mean to be codependent? At it's most basic level, codependence is an addiction to people, places and things. It's finding something from the outside to fill the "inner void" on the inside. Since that inner void can only be filled by God, a codependent unknowingly attempts to put a person, situation or thing in God's place. Before you get overwhelmed by that definition, recognize that by default all human beings do this. Therefore, it would be technically correct to say all people are at one point "codependent".

As we take a deeper look at codependence, it's important to understand upfront that it can be entirely overcome through a Christ-centered recovery process. However, while God ultimately restores a codependent, it doesn't happen instantaneously. There must be a process (such as a 12-step program) where the codependent is able to fully recognize, understand and properly address the roots issues that have driven the codependent behaviors in the first place.

MANIFESTATION OF CODEPENDENCE

While there are many different way to define codependence, for our purposes we are going to define it as a set of maladaptive relationship skills used to function in an environment that is imbalanced and dysfunctional.  It is a counterfeit method of expressing love and engaging in healthy, spiritually-based relationships.  Codependence manifests in a variety of behaviors, but the driving factor of a codependent is an internal brokenness. (To view the actual manifestation of these behaviors, click here ).

At some point, a codependent's life is disrupted by having to overly focus on the needs of someone else. This person (people) is normally "sick" (physically, mentally or through some form of addiction). As the codependent focuses more on that other person's needs, she focuses less on her own. Since the person she cares for is unable to give in the relationship (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically) the codependent learns to become a compensator and sometimes even a "rescuer". Basically, she appears to be "doing what needs to be done" to "fill in the gap".

EXTERNALLY REFERENCED

A codependent is very sensitive to the needs and expectations of the people around her. Because she is accustomed to meeting and accommodating other people's needs, she normally looks to people or outside circumstances for guidance. This transfers into all areas of her life. She comes to believe something "on the outside" has the answer to what she needs "on the inside." Thus, those people and circumstances become her external reference point.  She ultimately believes that her own sense of happiness and fulfillment rests on her ability to help, care for and please the people in her life. If she is unable to do this, it has the potential to completely crush her sense of worth. This way of living causes the codependent to disconnect with her true self, her authentic identity and her true needs. She becomes a catalyst to the needs of those around her and in some ways "disappears". The codependent is not doing anything to knowingly hurt herself and is usually deeply repressing her true emotional needs. She also unintentionally is "using" her acts of "kindness, service or help" as a manipulation tool to get her own needs met.  In reality, she is seeking love, acceptance and self worth. However, her need to change the outcome in people and circumstances leads to an unhealthy pattern of relationship skills.

WHAT DRIVES CODEPENDENCE?

The underlining "drive" of codependence is denial, shame and fear. Denial holds a codependent back from identifying and facing the painful realities in her life. Denial allows her to "pretend" that her outward focus is acceptable, and as long as everything "looks good" she'll feel okay. Deep down, she is empty, disconnected and in need of genuine love from others.

Shamemakes her feel as though something is inherently wrong with her. Shame comes from a sense of "never measuring up" to the standards of the people around her. What she normally doesn't realize is that the people around her that are "sick" (especially an addict) set impossible and unrealistic standards. Therefore there is little she can do to please or meet their expectations and needs. She isn't responsible for them, nor does she have the power to change them. But in her own reality, she thinks she can and she tries.

She is driven by fear because her life feels out of control. She is terrified of the unknown, and will go to great measures to attempt to control her outward reality. However, since denial is at the root, this fear is usually unrecognized.

WHERE IS CODEPENDENCE DEVELOPED?

The seed of shame has at one point taken root in the codependent's life. This shame comes from the dysfunctional family system (it gets transferred from parents to child), from traumatic events, from abuse and from rejection. Sometimes shame is imposed on a child in very subtle ways such as living in a strict Christian home where the child didn't quite "measure up." Sometimes it is imposed in brutal ways from a very chaotic and abusive environment.

The codependent also was most likely not given or modeled love properly. If love was absent or seen as something that the codependent needs to "work for" to receive, she will develop compensation behaviors in adulthood. Families of origin aren't the only reason why a person is exposed to codependence. Sometimes outside events and relationships can also usher in these behaviors. An abusive marriage, rejection at school, a dysfunctional friendship can all be breeding grounds for codependent tendencies.

RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS

How do I know if I need help? Every person in the universe has some form of codependence. The issue is how severe you manifest codependent behaviors and how it is affecting your life and relationships. People that have been wounded emotionally, especially early in childhood, truly need help and intervention at some point to learn healthy love and relationship skills. Unfortunately, since one of the most distinct characteristics of codependence is the inability to admit a problem and reach out for help, millions of people unnecessarily suffer when help is readily available. Take the following quiz to see if you qualify for the need to get help.

RECOVERY

Despite how difficult, confusing and painful codependence can be, the recovery process is filled with tremendous hope and transformation. To learn about recovery, click here.

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